I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
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