do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
Randomize