Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
Randomize
