if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
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