when im bored during the day i often think, what do people who dont get high do with their day.. i came to the conlcusion that everyone must be getting high
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
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