fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
Randomize
