If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
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