whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
