is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Randomize
