i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
Yeah, she'd be cute...but she has faith. It's a problem down south.
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize