I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
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