Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
I think he may have called me a bar rat, jokingly. I said i was but in a non-trashy way.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
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