he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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