Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
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