i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
