Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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