I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
walking back to the dorm.. she is flashing evryone, demanding beads. we tried to stop her and now she just keeps yelling "Bourbon st bitchesss"... you get her tomorrow
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
