did you get engaged???
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
You sternly pointed at him and declared that you would ride his cock until the early dawn.
Then, you ate a turkey sub, went into his room
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
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