omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
Randomize
