Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
Randomize
