My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
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