People in love make me want to vomit
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
I don't remember anything from last night, but at track I found my thong next to the high jump pit... So it must has been decent
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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