she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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