420 ftw
time to smoke my breakfast
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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