I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
