I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
Just found out its our ciliated mucous membrane that traps the molly when we snort it. Biology does relate to life
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
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