we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
chatroulette drinking game turned into a foursome.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
Right after i got done cumming i sat back and gave a big Ric Flair "WOOOOOO!"
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