New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
Randomize
