you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
Randomize
