I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
Randomize
