also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
