you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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