May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Randomize
