just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
Can vaginas get frostbite?
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
do nipples grow back?
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
Randomize
