You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
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