Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
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