Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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