My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize
