Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
wat bout pragnant strippers??
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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