There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Randomize
