1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
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