I'm so horny!
I'm so hungry
WHAT A TERRIBLE REPLY!
For your pussy...
So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
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