He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
