i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
