Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
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