i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize