those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
Randomize