I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Randomize
