I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
Randomize
