She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Randomize
