my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
