I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
Randomize
