so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
i'm trying not to stalk him on facebook
i gave in
Randomize
