Can i not drive my cunt home
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
Maybe she gives good head
A girl who still calls a dick a "wiener"cannot possibly give good head
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
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